I don’t know what to do with the Church that I love. Jesus is on His throne, I remind myself. God is sovereign and will bring perfect justice to the evil in this world; the promise of this is found in the incarnation, death, resurrection, ascension, and ultimately, the coming again of His Son, Jesus. I cling to this. Come, Lord Jesus! And yet…I am dumbfounded. I shouldn’t be because we live in a fallen world full of sinners. The Church this side of eternity is led by and full of sinners. Even the most principled and godly leaders are indeed sinners. I shouldn’t be surprised, yet I am.

I’ve been around; I am not new here. I grew up in the Episcopal church as the son of an Episcopal priest. I am the great-grandson of an Episcopal priest. I am the great-nephew of Episcopal priests. There’s no escaping my family heritage within ordained ministry in the Anglican tradition, all the way back to the Church of England, even. I loved the Episcopal church. I love the Anglican tradition. I grieved and indeed still grieve the departure from Scripture by the Episcopal church leadership over the latter half of the twentieth century. I rejoiced at the formation of the Anglican Church in North America–a body in which I can retain the heritage of faith and ministry of my forefathers!

I first sensed a call to ordained ministry as a three or four-year-old. Not out of a desire to be like my own father, worthy as I now see that to be, but rather out of a simple desire to preach Jesus! I remember as a young boy watching the consecration of the bread and wine as the body and blood of Christ and sensing the voice of God speaking to me, saying, “That is what I created you to do. To bring me to my people.” Did I realize this in a way I could articulate it at the age of four, or even eleven? Certainly not! But thanks be to God for my dear mother, who keeps meticulous records, especially of moments when the Holy Spirit is at work. My mother made a record of a time when I, as a four-year-old, shared with my class of preschoolers that “When I grow up, I’m going to preach.” I can say confidently that this was unrelated to my understanding of my father’s vocation because at the time, he served as a Navy chaplain. While he was certainly an ordained Episcopal priest at that time, my comprehension of his particular job at that point in my life did not include the role of preaching. I share all this simply to establish the call of God on my life to ordained ministry, which I have known (and tried to escape more than once) for as long as I can remember.

Today, as a postulant for Holy Orders who is studying as a seminarian in Ambridge, Pennsylvania, I remain confident of God’s call on my life, but I question whether or not the Anglican Church in North America is the instrument by which God will see this call to fruition. I seek to be humble in all I say and do. Lord, help me to decrease so that you may increase, is my daily prayer. I daily fail to remain humble within my spirit. That being said, I recognize that God has blessed me to be a knower of people. He has gifted me the ability to see the bigger picture, sometimes by knowing things I potentially should not know. Time and time again, I have found myself in rooms in which I have no business being, yet I am not seeking these rooms or conversations out of my own volition. Perhaps more than the average cleric or layperson in the ACNA, I know a lot of people in and around our province and the Global Anglican Communion. I have been intimately involved in the goings on of three dioceses of the ACNA. Apart from obedience to the call of Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit, I do not know why. I have not sought positions of influence, and even now I do not seek to be a person of influence, outside of what the Lord himself has clearly ordered. I now find myself, having moved my family across the country for a third time in obedience to the Lord and in pursuit of His call to ordained ministry, at one of the hubs of the Anglican Church in North America.

Friends, family, and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I am disgusted by the leadership of the Anglican Church in North America. I am tired of being told to be patient. I am tired of being told to trust a process that time and time again has proven to be dismally flawed. I am tired of being let down by leaders, shepherds who seem to have become drunk with power, distracted by the ‘unity’ of the Church or the ‘collegiality’ of her leaders, no matter the cost, and lost sight of the only One who matters, the only One who unites, the only One who can lead his bride, the Church. I am tired of being told there are things I do not understand. I will not dispute this. I will not advocate for all things to be known to all people–even following the example of Jesus, we know this is a tenet of Christlike leadership. However, I am tired of hiding things. I am tired of uncovering things hidden in the dark. I do not expect any human leaders to be without sin. I do expect shepherds of the Lord’s flock to put all things in the light, even at the risk of jeopardizing their own leadership, for this…this is humility. I am tired of shepherds covering for one another for the sake of the preservation of the institution. God’s flock–His Bride, is going to be His Bride with or without the Anglican Church in North America, the Church of England, the Roman-Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, etc. Certainly, He has blessed these institutions as embodiments and expressions of His Bride, but the Bride of Christ has no need for any human institution; rather, God has given us these institutions as a means of organization, unity, and polity–things we only need because of our fallen nature.

I will never claim to be without sin. Even in claiming what Christ has declared over my life through his death and resurrection, which is freedom from sin, so long as I live on this side of eternity, I will be sinful, though God chooses to see beyond my sin, as His son. I lay down my fleshly desires before the Lord every day and seek his grace to stand firm in the face of trials and temptations. Yet, as I lay my cards on the table, I still find myself succumbing to temptation–allowing anger and rage to overtake me, drinking more than I should, betraying my marriage vows in viewing pornography, or even just allowing my mind to wander to places and things that bring me temporary pleasure. Each day, together with my young sons, I clothe myself in the armor of God, that we might be ready to face the temptations that await us each day. More than I’d like to admit, I can still succumb to these temptations. I can hide these, but at what cost? All things will be brought into the light, one way or another. But if we confess our sins, we are forgiven. Praise God I have accountability partners, pastors, friends, and most importantly a godly wife who know my shortcomings and do not seek to hide them with me, from me, or for me; rather they seek to shed the light of Christ on all things, with me and for me, that by the grace of God, I succumb to these temptations less and less–I am being sanctified. That the desires of my heart would rule the desires of my mind, my eyes, and my ears–that Jesus would be the desire of my heart, not one of the multiple desires, for if I cannot serve two masters, I certainly cannot serve two, three, or more. As I share this, I am keenly aware of God’s grace bestowed upon me. I am keenly aware of God’s mercy granted unto me. I cannot and I will not cheapen the love of God as something which enables me to go on sinning, hiding behind the shield of grace and mercy when others call me to account for my sin.

Is it too much to have this expectation of the Bishops, Priests, and Deacons of our Church? Lord, may it not be so! I am tired of leaders placing more weight on maintaining their own credibility through accomplishment, holiness, and service, over humility. The ultimate example of leadership is the humility of Jesus on the cross; the humiliating act of being nailed to the cross and taking on the sins of the whole world. Leaders, when others call you names, question your leadership, revile you for Jesus’ name, press on! However, this does not excuse you from humbling yourself, even to the point of public or private humiliation, as an image or figure of the one, true Good Shepherd who did this very thing for the sake of the world. Leaders, your spiritual credibility is not diminished when you own your struggles, past and present.

There is no future for the ACNA without leaders owning their shortcomings and repenting. It’s high time for praying and fasting. It’s high time for widespread repentance and reconciliation. Leaders, if you will not lead in this, we, the ‘next generation’ of Deacons, Priests, and Bishops, can no longer follow you. Are we qualified to lead now? No, but if you’ve taught us anything, it is that God does not call the qualified; He qualifies the called. We do not claim to know better than you, be wiser than you, or be better prepared than you. However, like King David in the psalms, we’re willing to put our cards on the table for better or worse, in humility and at the risk of humiliation, so that we can seek the Lord our God and lead His people into His presence.

May the God of hope fill us with all joy and peace in believing so that by the power of the Holy Spirit, we may abound in hope.

Please read: Cover letter to the refiled presentment for misconduct lodged against Archbishop Steve Wood